Personal thoughts 2 - On me
I don't really like the feeling of looking back and thinking "this is the best I could have done, anyways", while looking forward and feeling like what comes ahead are just a bad set of unhappy compromises.
Sadly, I am extremely sure both of these are objectively true.
With time I have just become disillusioned with many things around me.
I don't understand society as a whole, I don't understand why and how it keeps going on the way it is.
I feel a lingering unnaturality to the whole adult life experience.
I feel like I'm too old to have fun things, but also too young to get involved in "serious adult life accomplishments".
This limbo is a prison: it feels unstable and unfinished.
I don't like instabilty.
At the same time everyone pushes you to be stable, somehow:
- Get a degree - even if it is only marginally useful;
- Get a job - even if you don't like it or it pays you badly;
- Get a family - even if you don't want to;
- Get a house - even if most of your income is spent on rent...
Thinking about these things on top of not having any hope for my future is exhausting.
Lately I have been struggling to meet my old friends and make new ones.
It is not only a matter of being difficult to organize some time and space for them; Mostly I have no real interest in spending my free nights with them anymore, because it just feels like a chore.
Most social gatherings have always been uninteresting to me - I'm not big on parties and bars and nightclubs experiences - and I find shallow and fleeting relationships with other people unattractive.
All in all, I don't feel like my choices matter in the grand scheme of things.
I think doing anything for my own interest always brings me to feel worse about myself and my situation.
Maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm unlucky; I don't care about why, all I know is that every choice of mine, up until now, feels like it has been somewhat misguided or plainly wrong.
Then again...
This is the best I could have done, anyways.
Of course, thank you for reading.
mi pilin pona tan ni: sina lukin e sitelen mi
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